I cannot describe to you the roller coaster of emotions I go through on a daily basis. One minute I am feeling like super woman for still working with my online clients and doing house work, and the next I am a sad sack of shit who can’t get out of bed. Some days I am up wearing a wig and a painted face and other days I legit look like a swamp demon who is scared of anyone seeing me when I gear up and take the dog out. I truly wish I could press fast forward on my life and be to the end of my treatment. I feel like my whole life is on hold. And still one of the things that drives me crazy the most about this waiting game is all the time I have on my hands I wish I could be using to be more productive. I wish I had more brain power to work on our business. I wish I had more stamina and health to work on my fitness. I know I need to focus on just getting healthy but not working and having so much free time for once in my life I just wish I could use it for something I want to use it for. Not something the cancer/chemo is making me do.
Emotions aside lets talk about the physical changes for a minute. We all know my feelings regarding my hair loss, I think I did a blog or two about it lmao. But now I am facing the loss of my eyebrows and eyelashes. Before this I kind of looked bad ass with a shaved head. Now I am really starting to look like I have cancer or that I am undergoing chemo. This is the part the movies show. The part where the patient looks sick. This is the part I was dreading. I never did too much to my eyebrows before this all happened so now having to draw full on eyebrows daily or when I want to leave the house has been an adjustment. I did try the temporary eyebrow tattoos! Those were fun and I will totally use those if I am going out for a long period of time as the ones I draw on worry me. One wrong move with wiping my head or sweating too much and I will start looking very deranged lol. Next up I will be looking into options for my eyelashes. Today I used the glue on ones as I would before all of this when going out. But moving forward without ANY eyelashes underneath I am not sure how this style will look. I may try the magnetic eyelashes that adhere to a a magnetic eyeliner.
Another physical change that I have been dancing around for a while now is weight gain. This is a very tough subject for me considering my profession but when it comes to staying fit while undergoing chemo treatments it has been absolutely impossible. I have attempted strength workouts, body weight only in the apartment and I am left with with nerve and muscle pain for days. I have tried to do cardio daily for a few days in a row and get sick every single time. The most I can do for activity without pushing my immune system too much is walk the dog. Ok, so if I can’t workout then I need to focus on my nutrition right? Well, since my digestion is so poor due to the drugs I simply cannot use and absorb the foods I am eating properly and no progress can be made. Sometimes I don’t go to the bathroom for days, and sometimes I am going too much. I have GERD, and mouth soreness so often the foods I can eat or should be eating are limited as well. It is no longer me trying out recipes I can taste and having fun with it, it is what can I eat today that won’t hurt my gums, cause mouth sores or cause me to breath fire. I know I should go easier on myself due to the circumstances, but for someone like myself who is used to working out daily, sometimes twice, and eating a certain way to look and feel a certain way, I am now struggling looking at the person in the mirror. I am often bloated to the point of looking pregnant due to the indigestion, my face and fingers are so puffy from the meds I have a permanent indent on my finger from my ring, and my skin is so dry I am like a lizard. WHO AM I!? I feel lost at times. I feel like I am SO far away from the way I want to look and feel and I am dreading the work I am going to have to put in to get back there again. And its not just about the routine of getting back to it, its also the fact that I am weaker than a kitten right now and it is going to take a lot of time to not only look the way I want to but to get my strength back to where it was. I was scratching some lotto tickets yesterday and I am not even kidding after about 3 or 4 my arm was SORE. The smallest tasks exhaust my muscles SO easily. It’s pathetic. And here is the kicker … I am up at my heaviest weight ever in my life having gained about 35 lbs since my diagnosis. Some of this was 100% my fault as I for sure binged and drank at least a bottle of wine a night for weeks before starting chemo knowing once I started chemo I would have to smarten up. That, and I was upset about my diagnosis. I mean who wouldn’t eat and drink their face off after finding out they have cancer lol. Also, the very naive part of me assumed the chemo would cause me to be so sick I would be losing weight during treatment just like they show in the movies. I even told people when they saw me it was my pre chemo weight like it was a good thing I was doing so I wouldn’t get too sickly when losing weight on chemo. Well I have learned this process is nothing like the movies and I will have my work cut out for me when I am healthy enough to start hitting the gym again!